here.

Hi.

I’ve been a stranger.  Like. TOTALLY a stranger.  Like. WOAH WHERE DID YOU GO stranger.  And it’s not that I didn’t want to visit.  In fact, I would have been here more often if I could get Siri to write my posts for me while I am driving.  Because I write LOTS in my head then.  Like at LEAST a post a day.  And then somehow, I start to work or hit the gym or text or SOMETHING and then I forget.  But please note.  I totally feel guilty.

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So. I applied for graduation and as of today – this moment – I have 234 days until I am finished. (I have a countdown on my phone that have to talk myself out of checking because I obsessively want to look at it every day. And I totally can’t help myself and I look again.) Two classes this summer, and two classes this fall. Pray. This semester I have taken three classes – Chemistry, Macroeconomics and Business Communications. And it utterly kicked my ass – not all the time, but definitely in waves. And I think that I have learned a little more grace for myself and for other people. In college (like real college when i didn’t have two jobs, a social life, a mortgage, rent, car, insurance…you get the picture!), I never understood how people could forget something so simple as HOMEWORK. I mean, just WRITE IT DOWN for crying out loud. And then now – twice I have gone to two different professors and explained that I forgot homework. Just forgot. Not that I didn’t want to do it. Not that I couldn’t have found time (something that I have this crazy talent for). Just plain ole’ brain-fart forgot. Neither one of them would allow me to turn it in late. But hey, oh well.
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So I find myself planning EVERY second of every day Monday through Friday. To the nano second. When I get home at 8 or 9p, I usually have an hour’s worth of stuff to do (laundry, dishes, prepare food, get my bag together for the next day, try to remember how MANY pairs of shoes, panties, and workout outfits I will need for the next day). And it becomes my power hour. I cannot sit down, I cannot stop moving until everything including washing my face and brushing my teeth is done. If I do, I cannot get back up. But with this regimented schedule during the week, I find my weekends EXTRA carefree. I have always been a fairly free spirit when it comes to playing. If I have the gas in my car, I will go do it. And for the past 3 months, my weekends have been super fun. Boo moved to Atlanta in March, I’ve been to Denver, the beach, dinner, railroad park, Regions stadium, bars I haven’t been to in years, random nights where I stay out later than I am used to, on blind dates and have just been happy. My poor roomates have remarked that I have the strangest schedule. Truth.

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Speaking of roommates, I moved into a house in February with some really awesome girls. Super sweet, super easy, and they handle my weirdness well. Nothing like roommates to make you realize how not normal you are. Or is that just me? I love having the company – and the ease of good roommates. I can only hope they say the same thing about me! I try…

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I’ve made some new friends lately. They are my age, single, and love to sweat it up. And I am starting to feel like me again. It only took me 6 years to get back to this point. But I know the journey from 24 to 31 has made me into SUCH a better version of myself. Kinder. Softer. Hopefully a little more knowledgeable and definitely more forgiving.

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March 6th was the 2 year anniversary of my divorce – and I can truly attest that divorce has a half life. It was some time in the last few months that I just felt, well, NORMAL. Not damaged, not angry, not blaming others, just normal. Praise God from whom all blessing flows, because without His Mercies, I would be in a ditch. I went to a Capitavating conference in Denver in March and it reminded me (as I need reminding EVERY DAY) that only God can put my broken heart back together. There are STILL times – few. FAR BETWEEN. But times that I get overwhelmed with the feeling of how damaged I am which leads me down the path of no one will ever love me into I’ll be single for the rest of my life and right back to how irreparable damaged I am. And don’t get me wrong. This heart has been shattered by SEVERAL men in my life and it is ugly and black and lifeless on its own. But God promises to repair it. to make it whole. And He assures me that I am beautiful. That He DOES see me, that HE is and will be everything to me that I’ve seen fail in the past.

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I also turned 31 in March. Don’t worry, I still continue to tell people that I am 30. I think that is a mix of not feeling 31 and how crazy packed life has been. My sweet loves took me to the beach for what was the best Birthday in a long while. It was FREEZING cold. But we drank wine, played Maajong, shopped (of course I was the ONLY ONE who bought anything), slept, watched Downton Abby, jammed to good tunes, cooked, and laughed. It was SO good for my heart. And there was this ONE cheese plate – I can’t stop thinking about it! Best meats, best olive oil, best cheese, best nuts…I mean. To. Die. For. And we drank more red wine than most people drink in a year. Not really. Well, yes really. Whatever. It was good.

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I’m trying not obsess about next steps. Here I am about to get my degree. Finally. Something that has kind of held me back. But not really. But kind of. And all my jobs in the past have been to push the ceiling on how far I could go without a degree. Like, DUH I don’t need one. But now? What do I want to do? I’ve utterly downgraded my life. And I wish I could downgrade it even more! So I don’t NEED to make money like I used to (staying in a job just to pay bills for stuff I don’t want. What I want is out of that cycle!!) You know that question? What would you do if money was no object? Yeah, I don’t know the answer yet. It’s mulling in my brain. And it looks REALLY different than what I thought it would be. I had planned on going to nursing school. Full. Speed. Ahead. Not that I won’t do that – I am not scared of it – that I won’t be able to finish or I am not smart enough. But as I pray desperately for God to help me see my path, what I DO hear is “wait”. Like, just get through this ONE step. Get to December. Get through 234 days. Just that. So. That’s what I am doing. Pray for that? Pray that I can figure out next steps. Or that I would be able to wait. How ever you want to pray for me – I will take it!

So here I am, friends. Back.

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{friday fun} thoughts

I cannot stop listening to this chick.  Video is pretty awesome too!

Delta Rae – Bottom of the River

 

Things I have been obsessing over this week (WHY do I get so obsessed with people and things?!  I scare myself. And others. But the good news is, the ones who love me, love me BIG and don’t care about that.)

  1. Socks.  I WANT BOOT SOCKS.  But I don’t get where people are purchasing them.  So.  Here, Here, Here, Here, Here, Here.  Or I could do what my friend L-dawg does and steal her husband’s socks (I think he would share).  But THEN here is my next thought…I think I am TOO old to be buying cheap socks.  I mean, today I have on Smart Wool….Two different socks  that is, but another story my friends.  But spending $25 on one pair of socks.  Sometimes I have a hard time choking that down.  So I think I am getting these – BOGO, hello!
  2. 4 Runners.  I have no idea why.  I’ve just decided like two weeks ago I want to sell my car and buy something SUPER cheap – and a ’99-’03 4Runner seems to be in that budget!  So.  Buy my car, or find me a 4Runner.  But I’ve been getting obsessive over it.
  3. Speaking of car loans, I got a notice from the bank that I can skip a payment this year!  YESS! (Except for I’m not stupid people.  I feel sorry for people who DON’T like the fine print.  I really do.  I read the back side of credit card statements!)  So.  Let’s get this straight.  AmFirst wants me to skip a payment, add it to the loan, accrue the interest and AND (best part) PAY THEM FOR IT!  You have to pay $35 to skip the payment!  Poor people.  Paying money to add money into the loan.  It’s been making me mad.
  4. Croatia.  Yes this IS how my brain works.  I want to go right now.  Like WOAH right now.  It is SO beautiful and I just can’t quite figure out how to make it happen.
  5. Actually, I have been fanticizing about vacationing a LOT.  My previous boss was kind of an ass-hat, so I haven’t had vacation, per se since last year.  And the week I took off between jobs to pack my house up does NOT count.  Trust me.  Chattanooga, Nashville, Fitzpatrick, Florida, Colorado, Mt. Hood….yes.  ALL of those places I want to go.
  6. Kombucha.  I have tried this damn drink (woah what’s with the strong words?!) like a million times.  I threw away the first two times, but this week, I found one I love!  It’s SO good for you. It promotes good gut health, etc.  Actually I am HORRIBLE at explaining it, but Rob Wolf ISN’T horrible at explaining anything!  So now I am trying to decide where I can buy it for cheaply because at $3.50 a pop,its rather pricey.
  7. I GOT NEW GLASSES.  And I am in love.  Like OBSESSIVE LOVE with my glasses.  But as anything in my life, I just don’t know how to love small 😉

 

testing testing 123….

So, I dropped off the face of the planet.  I am SURE that you have been anxiously awaiting my return with tales from the beyond about what happened.
Well.

Life.  It happened to me 😉

I became really overwhelmed by people’s bad attitudes and the soul-crushing days I currently attend.  I let it bother me.  I started to not breath, not sleep, NOT have a good attitude.  In ALL things.  And I am still having a hard time grappling with God’s purpose for me where I currently am and how I can behave.  In the past, it has been the work that I don’t like, but I have always liked the PEOPLE.  But in these current times, it is the PEOPLE who are rude, ignore, frustrate, and yell at me and the work is not so bad!  It is actually one of the first times that  I have felt fairly SMART and COMPETENT and more emotionally abused than anything.

I have come to the conclusion that I would like to start my own business to manage.  What, you say?  Well, Ummmmmm, no idea.

BUT here is what I would make sure happens:

  • All people MUST use their vacation days.  You get more, and the more time you spend at work WITHOUT a mental break the less effective you are.  TRUE STORY.  I would actually like to give everyone a week off each quarter.  I swear that people would work better and be less sick.
  • Option to work 4 8-hour days or 5 6-hour days.  The 40-hour week is SUCH a myth.  Most people don’t have 40 hours to work, save a few high insanely intense positions.  Yes my friends, accountants and lawyers are one of them.  But I would just want to hire more people so the work load isn’t so much.
  • A garden at work.  Birthdays at work.  Open Forums.  Places where people don’t feel used or abused.
  • Flexible work hours (you like 6a to 2p?  OK! Have at it!)

I swear that work CAN be enoyable.  I swear that in something you HAVE TO DO day in and day out, there has got to be a happy medium.

My current (ahem) situation involves people who think since they haven’t had a vacation, a lunch, a place to rest their head that no one else should either.  That seems “fair” right?!  Yeah, that is what I thought too…..

SO.  What else have I been doing besides dreaming of winning the lottery so I can actually do something worthwhile? Like go back to school and be a nurse??

  1. Beach
  2. Becca met a boy
  3. Fireworks (at the beach, that is)
  4. Got an iPhone
  5. Became obsessed with said-iPhone
  6. Concert
  7. Eating
  8. Kickball
  9. Margaritas
Not in that order 😉  But close enough!

doode

SO.

We are moving buildings at work.  DO YOU KNOW HOW CRAY-CRAY that is?  Yalls DO know that I work at a Print Shop right.  SO as in THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS and  THOUSANDS of pounds of equipment is being moved.  And people’s attitudes are lacking.  More than usually.  Which probably means that attitudes are at an all time LOW for the human race.  #TrueStory  So I am desperately seeking positivity right now! (which is totally NOT a word, says Google.  But who REALLY gets to decide if something is a word or not!!)

I get obsessive pretty easily….as seen by my “addiction” to eating clean (except for that brownie I had this morning.  Whoops) and the gym.  BUT as you can see too, its not something that I just leave and let go!  My obsession with Christ has been 30 years and counting.  My love for my sisters has been the same.  And there there is my love for music.  Cool Music.  Something that means something.  And that sounds like.  OH HEY.  MUSIC.

SO.  LIKE I SAID.

Happy-ness

My cousin and I went to an awesome show at WorkPlay with these kids:

Fitz and the Tantrums

AND THEY ARE SOOOO FLIPPING GOOD.  I mean, yes I am highly excitable.  But they were super good.  I’ve been listening to them all morning long.  AND THEY GIVE YOU FREE MUSIC.  

LAWDY.  I do like fuzzy pictures.  I really honestly do!

lacking

In ALL areas!

  • Blog writing.  Seriously?  I have all these thoughts and ALL these amazing posts, but I can’t seem to get it together
  • Cleaning.  My house is….well….you know how when the weather changes and you NEED to clean but it’s too pretty and instead you just let the yellow pollen cover everything in your house because you like your windows open and also are too cheap to do anything else?  Oh wait, please DO NOT TELL ME that is just me??  Hmmm.  Well, anyways…that was 2 months ago.  And even though I am down to ONE dog instead of two, it seems the hair has multiplied.
  • Bed-making.  Because I currently do NOT have a bed.  THAAAAAT’s right.  I’ve been sleeping on a pallet.  It is an awesome phenom at 30.
  • Food.  I’ve eating approximately 85 cans of tuna in the last two weeks.  Good thing I like Tuna, homemade mayo and veggies!  And when I say I’ve eaten it, its like two meals a day, and then for supper a sweet potato and egg.  It’s funny because I FEEL like I am a chef.  Maybe I just need a vacation.
  • Attitude.  Well, kinda a matter of opinion.  I have been lacking a STELLAR attitude.  The, ummmm, well, ahhhhh, shall we call it “feisty” ? attitude is ALL there.  Yes, working on it.  Verse for the week.

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.  Col 3:12

  •  Money.  So just a “little” known fact – A Disposal does NOT in fact Dispose of ALL things you put down in it.  I broke my sink….  I took it apart, poured Lye down it (burned myself), used Drano, let it sit, used a plunger, and finally after 2 days of the NASTIEST stuff ever seen to man coming back out of the sink, I called a plumber.

What I am NOT lacking

  • Laughter.  Oh MAN I have been laughing BIG time recently.  Sweet new friends, sweet old friends, and a sister that puts me in absolute stitches EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  And goats.  Stories about Goats make ms LAUGH.

A time to weep, a time to laugh… Ecclesiastes 3:4  

  • Love.  Unconditional love and love that is hard to accept or feel like you are worthy of.  But instead you get wrapped up in a big blanket of God’s love.  And here’s what totally blows my mind – This love here on earth – tangible, touchable, in-your-face love of friends and family?  God’s love….can you even begin to fathom how much BIGGER that is.  Yeah.  That is cool.
  • Thankfulness.  That God gives us SUCH a promise of new life.  That it’s not easier but it is BETTER.  And what I was created for
  • Grace.  Dude.  This woman needs grace in such huge quantities, it amazes me that God’s Grace is un-ending.  And it amazes me how my sister and I are learning to show each other grace and forgiveness in a BIG way.
  • God.  He’s here!  I may be the most rebellious, most stubborn, most HARD HEADED.  But He IS alive and He is waiting for me.

This song keeps going through my head this week:

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life?s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
‘Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand

I will stand, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground, all other ground
Is sinking sand, is sinking sand
So I stand

wild

I love me some Alabama Shakes right now.

i love someecards.

Funny Workplace Ecard: The morning is a success if I make it to lunch without eating my lunch.

And this describes me EVERY day.

I am slightly obsessed with new BodyPump, new RPM, new Flow, and new CX.  LOVIN’ the changed in the industry for Les Mills, and there isn’t a think you can’t achieve in this class.

I LOVE this woman’s website and I wish someone would make me THESE cheese crackers.  Out of owls.  Love.

And I love this puppy:

company

Again I am alone in my house.  First there were sisters, then roommates in college, sisters again, a husband, then there was one sister, then there was the other sister, and now there are none…

Behold, I am doing a new thing;  now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness  and rivers in the desert. Isaiah 49:19

Overwhelmed at the thought of getting a new roommate.  Hating living by myself.  Not loving the option of selling my house in the economy (since we bought it about 6 months before the bottom dropped out of the economy.  Like, literally.) But there aren’t that many TRULY GOOD memories in that house.  Packing sounds so TERRIBLE to me, and I would end up throwing almost everything AWAY.

Now, dear friends, I have been praying for guidance on this house for about 14 months.  What is strange is that I keep WAVERING on what to do, and waiting on a clear sign.  But maybe its NOT a clear sign.

Maybe its a just a jump that getting out of a house that you used to be married, and then you weren’t –

the house that has half-done projects because someone started them, and then moved away –

the house that held tears and a failed marriage –

MAYBE its a jump because I am supposed to just TRUST.

Revelations 21:4  “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

So MAYBE I start packing up little by little, and not just NOT. Maybe I just lose the ties that hold me to Birmingham – the ties that haunt of dead dogs and deader life.  Maybe somethings are just MEANT to be left behind.

Deut 28:1-6 “And if you faithfully obey the voice of the Lord your God, being careful to do all his commandments that I command you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, if you obey the voice of the Lord your God. Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.”