{re-posting} how I feel…

**First posted in August of last year.  Praise GOD from whom all blessings flow!  I swear I keep trying to write a post about my horrific accident and what can change in a year, but I’m just not there year.  365 days since my life drastically physically changed and I STILL cannot find the words, the emotions, the raw feeling of what it means to me.  BUT PRAISE GOD from whom all blessings flow.

“This is an important lesson to remember when you’re having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won’t feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can’t feel real joy unless you know what it means to fail. You can’t know what it’s like to feel holy until you know what it’s like to feel really effing evil. And you can’t be birthed again until you’ve died.”
Kelly Cutron

Kinda what Ezekiel, Job, Habakkuk say. But in words that make sense to me.

I keep hearing that its going to be better. But today. Last week. The week before, I don’t FEEL like that. There is not enough time in the day for me to breath, let alone move forward. Someone VERY close to me today told me that I looked hopeless for the first time that he’s even known me. And he is RIGHT. I cannot see the light, because the people that I have always depended on seem to continue to slip away. I’m so not feeling life today. Its not even that i want to run away. Its that I don’t care enough to run away.

I really just wish the wave of sorrow, self-pity, and loneliness would move away. Or at least stay at the SAME level so that I can move forward. I cannot even see that tomorrow is going to be better. That’s a SHITTY TERRIBLE statement, because I have said that for 4 years. And it hasn’t. Not ONE DAY has gotten better. I don’t see change. I don’t see light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is grotesque pain and people who just don’t CARE.

SO the advice i was given today:

  1. Wrestle with God and tell him how PISSED I am at my own situation
  2. Don’t try to escape the self-pity – its OK for the moment
  3. Read Habakkuk, Ezekiel, and remember that its not the PATIENCE of Job, but that he was SERIOUSLY pissed at God.
  4. Reconcile with yourself

So. for today. that is what I will do.

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