My life is full of love. Hugs. BRILLIANT, truly passionate friendships like NOTHING I imagined I would ever deserve. I have this group of women that we all just came together (through the gym, mainly) but deepened our love for each other through chickens, husbands, sisters, brothers, families, pregnancies (two in two years), weddings, lakes, beaches, the countryside and lots of wine. Lots and lots of wine 😉 And I am SUCH a better person for having these women in my life. They accept me for who I am NOW, as bruised and broken and crazy-hard to love sometimes. And it is perfect in the fact that we are NOT perfect. Our ages range from 30 to 55 but its like we are all 24-years old – in that youthful, fresh, funny, gorgeous way without all the hesitation of new things, and judgement by others. Sometimes we are closer than other time, due to baseball, carpool, vacations, and everything that comes with real life. But one thing remains – They have shaped the way I have grown over the past 4 years.
I tell you this because it has not always been that way. As I have matured my friendships have changed from me wanting to be friends with EVERYONE ALL THE TIME and attending every event I was invited to and trying to stretch out in 6,002 directions without ever committing fully to one person, one event, one cause to JUST needing one-on-one time with a glass of wine at home in front of Criminal Minds talking about how much money we have spent on gas this week. But as I find myself moving from involvement with huge groups to smaller gatherings, I find myself terrified of social gatherings!
About 4 years ago, I went to a wedding of a dear friend from church by myself. Now, granted it was in a very shaky part of my life when I wasn’t sure about my own marriage, or what God was doing in my life. But sitting in the sanctuary, I suddenly had the most terrible panic attack and started uncontrollably sobing at this wedding! I mean, I could NOT get a grip for anything. And yall, I am NOT NOT NOT a crier. NOT IN THE LEAST. So then I stopped going to weddings.
But my social anxiety didn’t stop there – I have found in past few years, I really CAN’T go to baby showers, weddings, bridal showers, even 30th birthday parties of people outside my daily cirlce! Just can’t seem to answer the same questions over and over, despite the heart-felt emotions behind the questions its just too much to have people ask WHEN I’m getting married, am I dating anyone (no, do you know anyone?), and why not? But its really strange. Like I will shower, dry my hair, pick out my dress and then slowly, surely, and unbeknownst to my conscious mind, I start unconsciously talking myself out of it somewhere along the line of shampoo and eyeliners. I swear the only way to get me to show up is to ask me to bring something. And I’ve told my friends that! But I don’t blame the outside edges for NOT asking me to bring anything.
The people I can be with all the time? People who talk to me daily. I have no wounds from those. And I have a lot of good friends who continue to check on me and make sure I am ok, or want to grab a glass of wine, or ask how they can pray for me that day. . .
SOOOO all this background to say I attended my first wedding in 3ish years this weekend. And as Becca could tell, I almost DID NOT SHOW UP, until she texted me and told me she needed me to tie her sash (brilliant sister that she is….ask me to help and I will be there in a flat second!) And I am so glad I did, because she looked BEAUTIFUL up there!
Hope it broke my social scars.