Lately, I have been struggling with my last name. I know that is one of the craziest things to even care about, but it perfectly fits where I am in my life.
In the first place, I could go back to my Maiden Name – Saxon. Strong, almost violent when rolling off your tongue. According to the Wikipedia entry on SAXONs, “The Saxons may have derived their name from seax, a kind of knife for which they were known. The seax has a lasting symbolic impact in the English counties of Essex and Middlesex, both of which feature three seaxes in their ceremonial emblem.” But really, to me it reminds me of a place that I have grown out of – being Single. On the one hand, it just erases what happened over the past four years. To me. Its like when people tell me that I should go see a plastic surgeon about the massive shark bite on my leg. I LIKE scars. They show me where I’ve come from, how much I’ve been protected and saved. And it also reminds me of the pain. I truly believe that one of the worst things that happens as humans is forgetfulness. Not FORGIVENESS but forgetfulness. As in how bad the pain was, how we made it through it, how we were refined and changes by it. But let me be clear – forgetfulness is not the same as forgiveness. I have never been able to hold words, events, etc against people. One thing that is such a blessing is that I am easy to forgive others. (For the most part. Of course there are places that I am not perfect in that. But that is for another day!)
Staying with my current last name – a name I inherited by Marriage – Douglas.
Again, Wikipedia: “Douglas (occasionally spelled Douglass) is a common surname of Scottish origin, thought to derive from the Scottish Gaelic dubh glas, meaning black, or black-green, (with an implied meaning of black water), referring to locations either at Douglas in Scotland or Douglas in Ireland” . First off, I am NOT a double-S Douglas. But in fact, I am not really a Douglas at all. It took me so long to claim that last name as part of me – an entire 4 years -but now its not me at all. I am NOT married and yet in my mind, I wish there was a term for “Not Married, Doesn’t feel Single, but really Divorced”. And yes, legally, according to all Social Security, Driver’s License, Mortgages, Bank Accounts, Water Bills, Power Bills, Pay Stubs, I am a Douglas. So I can’t go back to what I was before, and I am not really what I am right now.
So what DOES that leave? How do I become my own person not tied to history – who was I was born to or who I was married to. When do I just become….Me?